The Plight of a Mother Without Sons

The other day I was driving and listening to the radio. They were talking about how God is artistic, about how He sees trash and turns it into treasure. That which was once discarded is taken and turned into something beautiful. Isaiah 61:3 says, "[I will] bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." It's one thing to take a canvas and manipulate it to a great piece of art, or to take fabric and thread and to make a quilt from tiny squares, but to take the life of a human being and to mold our "trash" into treasure is beyond amazing.


Babies are abandoned or aborted and discarded all around the world. China has perhaps one of the highest amounts of baby girls being abandoned and discarded. Not only girls are being abandoned however; large amounts of boys are also being brought to orphanages with multiple special needs. I'm about to get more into the why's of these decisions, but before you totally loose heart, know this: the artist of the universe can take that which was discarded and turn it into a beautiful masterpiece.


These past two months I have read 2 books watched 4 documentaries and poured over at least a hundred blogs. I can be a research hound! Some of my history might not be completely accurate, but here is what I know. In the 1960's a new emperor was empowered and with his high economic prowess and anti war tactics, the economy boomed. Then they experienced a severe famine throughout all of China. To counteract this famine, the emperor imposed the one child policy. The repercussions of this policy are undoubtedly why thousands of baby girls were being abandoned and even killed. Why are boys more important? For one, ancient law states that only boys are allotted land (in the countryside). If you have only girl babies, you don't have enough land, and when your daughter grows up, she leaves you and becomes part of her husbands family. This would leave you without land and in your old age, you would starve and die. It is the male son that takes care of you when you are old and to not have a son, it brought dishonor to your family.


So, if you lived in the country side, you didn't have very many options. You have a son, or you die. So what do you do if you have girls, or even worse, have had  four girls and still no sons? Your options were to kill your daughter so that you might have a son, or hope that a family member would take your daughter and abandon her at the nearest towns hospital or governmental building. If somehow you managed to keep your daughter and go to the city, there were not jobs available to unschooled women and if you found a job you would not have anyone to watch your child. Even city people had stigma attached that having a girl baby was bad luck. Also any stigma attached to girl babies was also attached to any special needs child or a baby born with a deformity. If absolutely none of those options was ok for you because you were a strong minded woman, then maybe you'd take your chances. You'd probably end up begging on the streets, and when your child got sick, or you found out they had a heart condition, or that both of you were starving, you would have to leave your child because there was no money to pay the doctors. Doctors won't treat a dying person if they can't pay for it unlike here in America.


Another reason babies were being abandoned is because of the lack of sexual education! In the 80's or 90's China was opened up to the rest of the world. Along with that came western love songs and teenage and college aged kids became rebellious. So, when they started having sex, they didn't know to use protection. A lot of them didn't even know that if you missed your period that meant you were pregnant. Talk about scandal in China!


As a result of all these hardships, many babies were placed or left. They ended up in orphanages which o man will I have to discuss in a completely different post! These babies were not abandoned by heartless mothers, but by women without any other options. It was not easy for them to leave their children in the hands of a children's welfare institute. I can't imagine the pain they must suffer over their daughters. They care immensely about their daughters and I will make sure my future daughter knows this about her mother. She will know she was not a discarded as trash, but that she is a beautiful work of art plucked from an orphanage halfway around the world and placed in our hands by a loving and artistic God.

Why China?

It's 1:30 am on New Years Day and Paul and I are lying in bed. He is playing a game on his I pad, it's his latest obsession; and I'm reading a book by lamplight. In some ways it seems like just about any other night, well except for the fact that it's 1 am; oh, and did I mention the eight kids upstairs?


 "See, it's not so bad is it?" I ask Paul.


He gruffs in slight irritation and mumbles under his breath.

If for some reason you don't know, I volunteer with 7th grade girls on Sunday mornings, and I happen to love them all. I had six of my girls over on new years eve to spend the night and two of my three boys were home playing hide and seek in the dark and popping firecrackers all night. It was a fun and eventful party and my longing for a daughter returned.


I looked over at Paul who was dropping marshans on a clan (ok, I honestly have no idea what he's really doing, but that seams plossible) and I tell him, "I think we should have a girl". We talk about having a girl through adoption often. He agrees; he wants a daughter too, just not right now; which is totally fine because one of the main requirements to adopt from China is that you have to be 30. Bummer!


If you know me, then you know I've been a foster mom for 4 and a half years. I thoroughly advocate fostering to adopt and in fact I've done that as well. Just last July my middle son was adopted. We've contemplated going this route again; there's nothing wrong with this route. We've had Henley since he was seven days old. However, there are several reasons for not going this route again. For one, we let our liscense lapse this past year, that's not really that big of a deal though. Second, we have three active young boys and keeping up with possible frequent parent visits, permanency conferences, doctors apointments, liscenses, certifications, fad workers, case workers, and attorneys is just too much for us to deal with. Not to mention all the issues that your typical foster kids come with.


Another obvious option would be to go the domestic adoption route. It would be at least $10,000 cheaper thats for sure, and we could start the process at any time. We know several people who have done this and are currently in the process of domestic adoption. I believe in open adoption; it gives expectant moms such an amazing oppurtunity to have control over a situation that they feel they've lost control over. It gives  them an option for their biological child to have an oppurtunity they otherwise might not get and in the process another deserving family gets the oppurtunity to raise a child. The stigma previously attached to adoption is dispelled because the children know both where they came from and why they are where they are. However this is not for us. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I don't want to share my child even a little bit. Plus, it would not be fair to Henley whose adoption is not open.


When considering about adoption again, my heart immediatly went to China which actually surprised me because I thought I might initially look into Ethiopia or Hati as well; but I was drawn to China. For the past 15 days I have watched every documentary I could find or order. I have 6 books I am reading on the lives of Chinese orphans, their mothers, and expatriot women creating organizations. God has pressed China in my heart so profoundly that I can do nothing except research and pray over my future daughter and her biological mother.


I called an agency today and she confirmed what I already knew, that both Paul and I do indeed need to be 30. I will be 27 come this October. So in about two and a half years we can really begin the paperwork, but it will be October of 2017 when we can send out our Dossier to China. I will blog more about the process another day. On the downside, it will take aproximatly $27,000- $32,000 to adopt and no we don't have that money just lying around. So we have the time to save. I will also be selling baby boutique items off of my business facebook page as well as Etsy soon in order to raise the funds.


As I type, I am in my future daughters room. Nu'er is the Chinese word for daughter. Three to four years seems like an awful long way away. Then again, in a month my oldest son turns six and it feels like just yesterday that I walked into a hospital saying, "hi, I think I may be in labor?".


This will be a long journey; but one we are meant to take. Nothing in life is easy. Giving birth certainly isn't. There is this Chinese theory called The Red Thread. It simply says that in this world our souls are connected to specific people and that no matter where we are, this thread binds us together and we are destined to find each other. I hope you will join us in this journey to find our sixth person. For now, please be praying for our daughters birth mother for she also has a long and arduous journey ahead of her.

"I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."

Matthew 25:40